Deluded
by xrightwhereitbelongs
Summary: John let's his mask slip. Chastine don't like don't read your loss not mine.


**Deluded**

**Disclaimer:** No don't own anything I didn't say I DID!  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** John let's his mask slip. Chastine don't like don't read your loss not mine.

There was something wrong. I could tell the moment he walked through the door.  
His body was tense, he had his usual cigarette poised between his moist lips.  
Those lips I had fantasised about for the longest time. Those lips I couldn't tear my eyes from… the lips that belonged to the man who couldn't care less.  
"You okay?" I asked nervously unsure how he'll react.  
He didn't answer instead he glared walking straight passed me to grab a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen. He came back with a glass, slammed it on the table and began to pour.  
"John… You don't look so good"  
Again he ignored me choosing to pour the liquid down his throat rather that answer me.  
I sighed. He probably didn't even know I was here. HELLO! JOHN? HELLLLLLLLLLLLLO? Is there anyone home? No, there's no one home… the place is abandoned has been for a long time.  
I couldn't help feeling sorry for my idol. I worshiped the ground he walked on but that ground wasn't exactly clean.  
John had been through so much. He's been to Hell and back and was destined to make a return trip but this time he wouldn't be returning.  
Sighing again I dragged myself to my feet abandoning my book.  
"Where you going?" John choked knocking back another glass.  
"You obviously don't want me to stay. I'll pick you up in the morning." I said tiredly turning to leave.  
This had become a ritual of mine. I put up with John's antisocial behaviour until it drained the life out of me, slept then returned the next morning to start all over again.  
"Sit down." John said lighting a cigarette.  
"John really I'm just gonna"  
"Sit DOWN Chas." John repeated his voice was like nails.  
"Fine." I said dropping back onto my seat.  
What did he think I was? A dog? A sad lost little dog who followed him around constantly, did exactly what he told me to do, he say's jump I ask how high? Yes. That was exactly what I was. "Chas…" John started his voice thick with emotion.  
I looked steadily into those liquid brown eyes begging him silently to let me in. He shook his head and looked away.  
"I've got lung cancer. The doctor say's I've not got much time left. I need… I need…" He shook his head again downing another glass of whiskey.  
"Wha… John… You? You're…" It was my turn to shake my head.  
John was dying… John was GOING to die.  
Oh my god! This was typical John wasn't it. Always so goddamn selfish thinking of no one but himself! Why was he telling me this? What was he trying to do?  
I was angry, furious but it didn't stop the pain and grief which washed over me so quickly… I let out a sob before I could stop myself. Shit. Why did I have to be so weak? I was the clumsy kid always getting in people's way, always fucking up other people's lives.  
"Chas I need…" John started again.  
I looked up my eyes blurry with tears. This was it. John was really gonna die. I was gonna be alone in the world… again.  
"Chas?" John questioned seeing the look of sheer agony on my face.  
"Why? Why John? For once in your life why can't you think of anyone but yourself!" I sobbed tears running down my cheeks.  
"What the fuck are you talking about? You think I WANT to die? Jesus Chas you're deluded"  
"Yeah I'm deluded John! I get my hopes up thinking one day you'll open your goddamn eyes and see me! I'm under the illusion that you could care John, that somewhere under that icy exterior you care!" I scream brushing away the salty drops.  
God this is so embarrassing. Why do I have to cry at everything!  
"Chas…" John chokes the look on his face one of utter confusion.  
"John!" I sob back.  
All I really want is to be held by those strong arms. To be held so tightly safe from the world.  
"I… I never knew"  
I nod. "Yeah, that's your problem John"  
"I know." He replied taking a long drag of his cigarette.  
I laugh. He'd dying of lung cancer but still he's smoking… that's John all over.  
"I'm sorry." He finally says after a few moments of silence.  
My mouth drops.  
Did he just apologise?  
Did the great John Constantine just APOLOGISE?  
"John… Did you just"  
"Yeah I did and it's never gonna happen again." He says regaining his composure.  
The hurt in his voice is gone. His eyes are no longer wet with tears he gulps back the rest of his drink rises and leaves.  
I'm under the delusion John Constantine could ever care.  
No matter how much the mask slips he'll never take it off. He'll never show me his face, he'll never show me he cares.


End file.
